Ten years after yours truly and our Poo Poo Presidente bonded over a hilarious stand-up bit, that bit is now a major motion picture.
Back in 2012, I welcomed a roommate into my apartment. Spoiler alert, we got along pretty well, considering I’m now writing for Poopable, which he created.
We bonded over many things. The now-forgotten show Chicago Code. Our unique senses of humor. An appreciation of a good plate of tapas.
But mostly, we bonded over The Machine.
Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comic who made a name for himself by being named “the top partyer at the Number One Party School in the country” by Rolling Stone.
That article led to Bert becoming the inspiration for the main character in the Ryan Reynold’s starring film National Lampoon’s Van Wilder (a film that, fittingly, includes an audacious scene of gastro-intestinal distress that deserves its own article).
But back to THE MACHINE. During a podcast appearance, Bert told a story about the time he accidentally got imbedded with the Russian mob while in college. That led to him telling the roughly 10-minute-long story as part of his stand-up bit before it started receiving national attention when it debuted officially in his 2016 Showtime special (which is now up for free on YouTube).
Here’s the Cliff’s Notes on the story. Bert, a professional partier at Florida State University, accidentally signs up for Russian classes to fulfill his language requirement. When he tries to leave, he is told by the teacher that if he leaves, the class won’t have enough students, so if he stays he’ll be guaranteed a passing grade.
Eventually, this leads to him going on a trip to Russia with his classmates. Since Russia in the 1990’s had a lot of corruption, the school had to reach out to the local mob to ensure the student’s safety. Naturally, Bert had to befriend these gangsters.
He shows up at the door with a bottle of vodka, and forgets his prepared speech and instead just shouts, in Russian, “I AM THE MACHINE.”
And a legend was born.
Bert wows the gangsters with his knowledge of American pop culture, accidentally learns some Russian, and…assists in robbing from everyone on a train, including his classmates.
23 years later, this epic story continues (in fictional form) in the recently released film The Machine. Of course I had to watch this comedy with the Poo Poo Presidente to see if there were going to be any Poopable moments in the film (and also as an excuse to use our company card).
So you must be wondering…is The Machine Poopable?
Let’s dive in.
The film opens with a Russian oligarch watching Kreischer’s stand-up bit on Netflix before menacingly taking out a gun to shoot his computer screen.
By now, it’s been decades since the events that led to his creation as “The Machine” – Bert has a family and is taking a hiatus from the stage to work on himself.
As he’s throwing a massive Sweet 16 party for his eldest daughter (who pointedly did not want a huge party), he gets into an argument that leads to her leaving for three days out camping with her friends.
Then, Bert’s father, with whom he has unresolved issues, shows up (played by the legendary Mark Hamill, a.k.a. Luke Skywalker himself).
Bert and his father have a heated discussion which is interrupted by a menacing female Russian gangster with a gun threatening to kill his daughter. See, the DJ at the party is actually a mobster under her control, and he is following Bert’s daughter and friends and will “take care of them” if Bert doesn’t comply with her demands.
What does she want? A family heirloom he inadvertently stole during his Russian train heist decades prior.
Bert and his father are taken on a private jet to Russia at gunpoint. When they land, try to have Bert recall what he did with the stolen pocket watch that the oligarch/gangster from the opening scene wants returned.
Their search leads them to a hotel where the watch might be found (as they enter the lobby, Bert casually reminisces, “I once pooped in a pizza box right over there”), where they are met by a rival group of gangsters. An intense action scene between Irina (the menacing Russian gangster woman) and a slew of henchmen, as well as Bert and his father.
This leads to our favorite Poopable line in the film. During the shootout, Bert accidentally kills a Russian mobster (he was aiming for his leg, he swears). When Irina, Bert and his father finally escape, Bertfreaks out about having taken a life, shouting that he is going to hell, before Irina calmly tells him, “It happens.”
Bert responds, “It happens? No…”
At this point, the film introduces a power struggle amongst the Russian mob, interspersed with flashbacks from the events that led to Bert’s famous The Machine standup (with a young Bert Kreischer played by Jimmy Tatro, from the criminally-underappreciated American Vandal – whose second season was also very Poopable).
The rest of the film features a lot of bloody and over-the-top set pieces (“you are fisting his neck” may or may not be a line screamed at one point). It’s always a comedy, but it does put a lot of work into the fight scenes and action sequences.
Bert and Irina soon become allies, and Bert opens up on how his partying ways has caused him to have a difficult relationship with his daughter. Throughout, the legend of “The Machine” seems to have spread throughout all of Russia (he even appears as a mascot for a brand of vodka) – though there are many people surprised at his weight gain in the ensuing decades.
We end up in a quaint Russian village where the first Igor from The Machine’s stand-up bit has settled to have a good life, where a lot of character development takes place before we get another casually Poopable line delivery.
I won’t spoil how the movie ends, but needless to say the final act culminates in a series of John Wick-style action sequences and over-the-top humorous fight scenes. Though there aren’t any additional poo references, I personally enjoyed how they ended the film.
Is The Machine Poopable?
If I had one complaint about The Machine, is that it relied a little too much about you having seen the original stand-up bit before watching the movie. While they do go through the story throughout the film, a lot of the humor involves callbacks to the actual performance.
That means, if you’re a Bert Kreischer fan? You’ll love this movie.
If you’re not familiar with his work, you likely will have a good time, especially if a tongue-and-cheek action comedy centered on a Russian mafia power struggle seems like it’s up your alley.
It’s a light-hearted, high-octane film that knows enough not to take itself too seriously. Even though I was able to get my ticket paid for by the upper brass of Poopable, I would have gladly covered the cost to watch this film.
I would say that The Machine is very Poopable, though if you don’t like violence in your film or broad jokes about drinking or drug use, well, that might be a you problem, but you also probably won’t enjoy the film.
Ultimately, if you’re looking for a casual movie to entertain you, and get a few poop jokes snuck in as well, when you go to watch The Machine? You’ll have a great time.