toilet alone in a nice-looking room

If you walk two blocks away from Wrigley in any direction, especially after a Cubs game, you’ll likely encounter a…particular vibe. It’s bro-y, it’s over-priced, and it’s swarming with the kind of suburban 22-year-olds who insist they’re from Chicago when they actually took the train in from Schaumberg. 

Thankfully, Graystone Tavern, located just south of Wrigley Field at 3441 N. Clark, is a welcome respite from a sea of popped-collars and non-ironically backwards Cubs hats. It’s an affordable, friendly neighborhood spot, with a slew of colorful regulars and an incredibly friendly staff. 

They have great drink deals and a great menu of high-quality bar food. If you want a drink after a baseball game, or just on any random night that you find yourself in the area, Graystone is arguably the best bar around. 

But…poopers beware. 

bathroom door

Abandon All Hope Ye Who Poop in Here

The Men’s bathroom at Graystone is not exactly the most welcoming. If you are a shy pooper, or like “everything” to be “mostly clean” you can tell from the very start that you will not find this to be a safe space. 

The good news? This single-urinal, single-toilet does come with a single bolt lock if you find yourself in need of a number two (I’ve detailed a particularly harrowing night where that lock was essential in a past column). 

The bad news? Well let’s start with our throne.

Toilet next to a door

Yes, that is the door on the left. No, this is not within a larger stall. If you want to take a squat at Graystone, you will be doing so out in the open breeze, right next to the bathroom door. Again, this is where the lock comes into place for your own privacy. But this is also a bar, so you know there is a non-zero chance you’ll walk into someone loudly and shamelessly expelling their previous meals with no regard for their surroundings. 

I should know. I’ve seen it. 

Urinal with a thumb at the bottom of the shot

You might think this is me giving a thumbs up. It is not.

With a small barrier across the room from the toilet, the urinal proves to be the most private place in this cramped bathroom. Is it clean? Look for yourself. You know the answer. 

That said, the most shocking thing about this bathroom experience is…that it thankfully is relatively well-maintained when it comes to odors. Given the nightmarish experiences of encountering vomit and other various and surprising fluids I’ve encountered in Wrigley bars, you’ll find that it generally smells fairly neutral, and you rarely if ever encounter any unwanted stains or wet spots. 

Frankly, this is a minor miracle. It helps that it is essentially meant to be single use, and it tends to have a more mature and responsible clientele than other bars in the area. But given how much we’re slagging this bathroom, we might as well give credit where credit’s due. 

sink and mirror

Finally, there’s the sink. Directly across from the urinal, it matches the vibe of the entire bathroom, which is, “Let’s just put it where we can get plumbing.” The mirror is actually a recent addition, as for a while the bathroom was without any reflective surface, as if to say, “You don’t want to see yourself in here. Trust us.” 

Is Greystone Tavern Poopable?

It is poopable in that you won’t feel like you’re reliving that one scene from Trainspotting, but unless you’re a confident bathroom user who isn’t a bit miffed by the lack of any sort of bathroom stall, you’ll likely be best served only utilizing the urinal. Or you can always risk it by locking the door and dealing with drunk people trying to force their way in. 

Graystone Tavern is a great place to drink….but not a great place to poop.

By Jeff G

In other organizations Jeff would be known as the Managing Editor. However at Poopable, he is the Head Creative Poo (HCP). His online writing has received hundreds of millions of views. Thankfully he has not had nearly as many bathroom breaks. Jeff prefers his bathroom clean and tranquil, which is ironic considering the amount of time he spends in dive bars.