People running from birds in the park.

Alfred Hitchcock is known for “birds” of prey, but these are birds of poop!

Imagine enjoying a peaceful stroll in the park, only to find yourself dodging green droppings and feathers raining down from the sky – that’s the nightmare scenario playing out at Carl Schurz Park on the Upper East Side of New York City.

Overenthusiastic bird enthusiasts have turned this once serene spot into a scene straight out of a Hitchcock film, with thousands of pigeons now calling it home. Frustrated locals feel they’ve lost their turf to these winged intruders.

“It’s like we’re the guests in their house now. They act like they own the place!” – Mike Volfman

Volfman, a NYC local used to take romantic walks with his fiancée in the park but now they have turned into poop-dodging expeditions.

“There’s bird seed everywhere, droppings galore, and feathers flying around. It’s like wading through a sludge.”

One unfortunate park-goer, Eungi Hong, and her young daughter experienced the horror firsthand when a pigeon let loose on them and their beloved teddy bear.

“Ban them from the park!” she demanded. “The city needs to do something about this mess.”

Jessica Blumert still shudders at the memory of a previous pigeon attack. “We already have to watch out for dog poop, but this was next-level disgusting,” she recounted. “Feathers everywhere, like they were throwing a wild party!”

The blame for this avian invasion falls squarely on the shoulders of a mysterious woman with a shopping cart, according to one Upper East Side couple. Each morning, like clockwork, she shows up to scatter birdseed with a big scoop, inviting the pigeons to feast and wreak havoc. “It’s like an Alfred Hitchcock movie come to life,” lamented Judith Samuelson, 71.

“You can’t even sit down without risking an aerial assault!”

Thankfully, help may be on the way. Council Member Julie Menin’s office has promised additional park bench cleaning in response to community complaints.

“Feeding pigeons is illegal and creates health issues,” Menin emphasized. “We need to put a stop to this madness and reclaim our park for the people.”

Killing pigeons in New York City is generally not allowed and is subject to various regulations. Pigeons are protected under city ordinances, and there are laws against intentionally harming or killing them. The city views pigeons as wildlife, and they are protected by animal cruelty laws.

However, there are some exceptions. In certain cases where pigeons pose a threat to public health or safety, such as if they are nesting in large numbers in a building and causing structural damage, property owners may be able to take measures to remove them. This typically involves non-lethal methods such as bird spikes, netting or hiring professional pest control services specializing in humane bird removal.

As residents eagerly await relief from the feathered menace, one thing is clear – when nature calls in Carl Schurz Park, it’s not just the pigeons answering. And having a bullet pass through your bathroom while you’re on the potty is certainly no fun – but dodging pigeon droppings might just come a close second!

Ever had a walk in the park… that was ruined by sh*t!? We’d love to hear from you. Drop a comment below or shoot us a note! We’re always flushed to hear from you and share your thoughts!

By Neil

Neil launched Poopable in 2023, making him the Poo Poo Presidente. After overcoming childhood public restroom anxiety, one of his proudest accomplishments is relieving himself on six continents and over two-dozen countries. His preferred bathroom includes a neutral scent, double ply toilet paper and a strong industrial flush. His trade secret to making any restroom poopable – baby wipes.