Telling someone their a piece of crap isn’t enough…

Remember glitter bombs?

Glitter bombs was a service that would deliver devious letters in the mail that would explode glitter everywhere when opened, trapping your naive and helpless enemy in a pile of annoying, flashy particles that would take hours to clean up.

No? Didn’t hear of them? It was a hot thing for like two seconds somewhere around 2015. The founder inevitably sold the business for five figures. It was a fun, truly annoying way to attack a nemesis from the shadows.

Viral fodder for sure. The service is still even available.

But what if glitter isn’t enough?

Let’s face it: we live in a darker time. Gone are the simple days of 2015 when something like glitter bombing could be enough to get attention and strike fear into your enemies’ hearts.

No, these days, you need to send a message… a poopy message.

The best way to do that is to cultivate a Genghis Khan-level sensibility in regards to taking no prisoners and biological warfare.

A morally ambiguous, perhaps even reprehensible, approach. But one that leaves your hands clean, while stink-a-fying your targeted foe.

This is 2023. There is a method for you. It’s called Shit Express.

That’s right. You send people a pile of sh*t. Literally.

I know, you have legal concerns. But let’s get to the practical ones first. What is the process for sending feces via the mail?

First, and I have to say I was simultaneously disappointed and gratified to see that you can’t send human feces through the mail. That would truly be disgusting… even for the Poo Guru!

While this may potentially be a way to monetize the sidewalks of San Francsico, for now, you can only send animal feces instead. 

Specifically two animals, judging from the stickers you can select: horse manure and elephant dump.

Yes. Elephant-sized turds.

an elephant

My concerns with the health outcomes of having people stick their face into boxes of poop are somewhat alleviated.

And who wouldn’t want to send elephant feces footballs if given the option? Assuming you’re ethically down with the whole project in the first place…

Anyway, once you’ve chosen your flavor of animal waste, you give the organization the address. That’s any address in the world.

So maybe the Kremlin? Buckingham Palace? The White House? Why not?

They do, after all, promise to keep your identity a secret even if you pay by credit card.

And here’s the kicker: it’s not even $20. Inflation hasn’t hit the poo mailing industry yet.

They take Bitcoin, too. So what is that? Like .000000002 Satoshis?

They have a great FAQ as well. Worth perusing.

But is it Poopable?

How could this not be poopable?

It’s sending poop to your enemies in a box. How could we not love that?

In the FAQ section, you’ll also learn that the service has been around since 2014. They should have “Ten Years of Satisfied Customers” on their homepage. So they must have their sh*t together.

But we don’t know. I have yet to try it and would love to know whether it works as advertised. 

So if you try it out, drop a comment and tell us about the results. Poopable will definitely want to hear that story!

By Brady Nelson

Brady has been using bathroom breaks to escape work since junior high. All that time spent on the throne eventually led to a substantial amount of philosophical thought. He dove deep into thoughts like, “how can I hide the amount of time I’m on YouTube while at work?” Alas, Brady found Poopable, a place that disregards his time spent on social media and celebrates his light-hearted cynical take on everyday topics. You can also read more of his writing at The Timeless Cynic on substack.