BN: Hi ChatGPT. I’m on the toilet and I’m bored. Can you entertain me?

ChatGPT: Of course, I’d be happy to help entertain you while you’re on the toilet! How about a fun fact to get things started? Did you know that the average person spends about three years of their life on the toilet? That’s a lot of time!

If you’re up for it, I can also tell you a joke. How about this one:

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

I hope that brought a smile to your face! Let me know if there’s anything specific you’d like to chat about or if there’s anything else I can do to keep you entertained.

BN: Those were kind of lame, but I appreciate the effort. What would entertain you if you were bored on a toilet?

ChatGPT: As an AI, I don’t have physical sensations or emotions like humans do, so I don’t experience boredom in the same way. However, I can still engage in conversation and provide information on various topics to keep you entertained.

If you’re interested, I can share some interesting facts, help answer questions you may have, or even engage in a thought-provoking discussion. Just let me know what you’d like to talk about, and I’ll do my best to provide an engaging conversation while you’re on the toilet.

BN: That’s very generous. Why don’t we play a role playing game? You make up the story and I’ll choose what I do next. The story begins with me bored on the toilet. Can you do that?

ChatGPT: Absolutely! Let’s embark on a role-playing adventure. Here’s the beginning of our story:

You find yourself sitting on the toilet, feeling incredibly bored. As you glance around the bathroom, you notice an unusual-looking bookshelf standing against the wall. It seems out of place, adorned with various mystical trinkets and dusty old tomes. Curiosity piques your interest, and you decide to investigate.

Upon closer inspection, you discover a hidden lever cleverly disguised as a candlestick. With a cautious pull, a secret door creaks open, revealing a narrow staircase leading down into darkness. 

It’s an invitation to something mysterious and exciting.

The choice is yours: Do you venture down the hidden staircase, or do you ignore it and continue with your bathroom routine?

BN: What I didn’t tell you is that I spent a lot of time on the toilet because I ate too big a burrito for lunch and had too much salsa. So things are getting out of hand here. Is there anything in this secret porthole that was in my bathroom that might help me handle the plumbing?

ChatGPT: Ah, I see! In your current predicament, it would be helpful to find something in the secret porthole that could assist with your plumbing situation. As you cautiously descend the hidden staircase, you enter a dimly lit underground chamber.

To your surprise, you discover an ancient alchemist’s laboratory. Shelves are filled with jars containing various powders and potions, and an old wooden table is cluttered with scientific apparatus. Among the peculiar contraptions, you notice a small vial labeled “Digestive Soothe Elixir.”

The elixir is said to have powerful properties that can help with digestive discomfort. It’s a combination of soothing herbs and natural remedies. This might just be what you need to alleviate the aftermath of your burrito indulgence.

You have the choice: Will you grab the vial of Digestive Soothe Elixir or explore further into the chamber to see if there’s anything else that catches your eye?

BN: I actually enjoy purging my body of all terrible toxins, so I reach for the “Explosive Intestinal Release Elixir” and chug the whole thing!

ChatGPT: Oh, my! You’ve made quite an adventurous choice! With a daring spirit, you seize the vial of “Explosive Intestinal Release Elixir” and gulp down its contents. Almost immediately, you feel a peculiar rumbling sensation in your stomach.

The elixir’s effects manifest swiftly, and you find yourself propelled forward with unexpected force. A tremendous explosion of gas propels you through the secret chamber, launching you high into the air, and you crash-land in a strange, alternate dimension.

As you regain your bearings, you discover that you’ve arrived in a fantastical realm known as “Gaseous Glade.” This peculiar land is filled with floating islands made of fluffy clouds, vibrant colors, and whimsical creatures. It’s a world shaped by the power of gaseous emissions.

You now find yourself in this peculiar realm, surrounded by creatures that thrive on the unique properties of gas. They greet you with curiosity, wondering how you’ve arrived. The land is yours to explore, and the inhabitants are eager to assist you.

What would you like to do next in this wondrous realm of Gaseous Glade?

BN: Haha wow I have to say I did not expect that.

I’ll hold off here for now. I wanted to introduce AI into this column since it’s on so many people’s minds, including my own. Free time on the toilet is some of the best time for considering this stuff. 

What gets fun is pushing it to its limits, rather than partaking in any game it concocts. In only the past few months, OpenAI has done work expanding what it will allow itself to handle.

Leave a comment if you’d like me to explore the Gaseous Glade in a way that makes ChatGPT very…uncomfortable.

That’s it for this thought session.

By Brady Nelson

Brady has been using bathroom breaks to escape work since junior high. All that time spent on the throne eventually led to a substantial amount of philosophical thought. He dove deep into thoughts like, “how can I hide the amount of time I’m on YouTube while at work?” Alas, Brady found Poopable, a place that disregards his time spent on social media and celebrates his light-hearted cynical take on everyday topics. You can also read more of his writing at The Timeless Cynic on substack.

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